march: the month i faced my biggest fear

Two years ago, Ali and I sat on the sofa and watched as Boris Johnson advised us to stay home, social distance, mask up and save lives. We listened to the news as the numbers crept up – 30 deaths, 50, 200, 1000 – and we clapped on Thursdays and we made banana bread and we watched TikTok until midnight and subscribed to Disney+ and waited in queues at Morrisons. Life changed in this surreal tilt as we tried to navigate through fog of fear and case numbers and daily walks. What is this cough? Sore throat? Do I have covid? It was scary.

I watched almost everyone I know catch the virus over the next two years, some people getting it twice. But I never had it. The longer I went on without catching it, the scarier it seemed to me. I got my vaccines – all three of them – and I wore a mask. I socially distanced and did lateral flows. I avoided big crowds. I washed my hands. I did all the things. I didn’t want to catch Covid.

First, it was because there was no vaccine. Then it was because I was pregnant. And then, it was because I had no clue how I would cope with Covid and taking care of my baby. It became one of my biggest fears.

But it happened – and we were okay. It wasn’t easy. We had to take shifts to look after Baby L so the other person could rest. It was seven days of sharp fatigue and a burning sore throat, a sinus-filled head cold, blowing my nose through rolls of toilet paper, Ali losing his taste and smell, heavy aching muscles, running hot and cold, and being unable to stay awake for long. L got it too; he was weepy and clingy and ran a little fever. We didn’t get full nights’ sleep because we have a baby, and it felt like recovery was never coming.

But we made it. We worked as a team, and our family helped with dog walking and groceries. We rested when we could. And after about a week, we started to get better.

It was my biggest fear and I overcame it. It felt good. And now I don’t feel as scared anymore – not just of Covid, but any other virus or illness. Because I saw how L adapted and how Ali and I worked as a team and how our families checked in and it was okay.

That was the main theme of my march, but around that – some other beautiful things.

Like going away with my sister, our friends and our mums. We call ourselves “Poetry Pals” because when we do go away, we write poetry. This time, little haikus. We played games and laughed a lot and ate food and walked on the beach, and it was nice.

I took L to a music class which he loved. This was good news since he hasn’t loved baby classes so far.

The sun shone after a long cold rainy stormy winter. We sat outside and licked ice creams and our forearms burned a little.

I celebrated my first Mother’s Day, celebrated being L’s mum. We went to the beach and ate crisps. We walked around Dunure Castle. Fable nearly jumped over the edge (that was dramatic). L and I had a long nap together.

Ali and I went to Edinburgh for the day to see Six: The Musical. We had long chats in the car after what felt like forever; we ate Danish pastries on the grass; we ordered expensive steaks for dinner; we wandered around Dean’s Village.

I watched a lot of Gray’s Anatomy.

I read six books.

I managed to work even when I was sick.

I saw friends. I had meals with my family. L is nearly crawling. He’s enjoying his food. He makes me smile every five seconds.

Life is good.

Books I Read:

  • Heartstopper (volume 2 & 3) – 5 stars
  • The Sunny Nihilist – 1.5 stars
  • One of Us Is Lying – 2.75 stars
  • The Inland Sea – 4.5 stars
  • The Fixed Stars – 4 stars

I hope you all had a productive/happy/chilled/okay March.


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